literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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