The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
