I can tuck mytits in my pants
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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