u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
