Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
