The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
