happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
