This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
