i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
