I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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