I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
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i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
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I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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