I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
