I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
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I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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