so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
