When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
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