I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
