theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
my liver is dry heaving
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
