saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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