Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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