My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
