I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
