So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
