Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
