So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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