a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
