He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
