If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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