so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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