Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
