i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
