I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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