This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
