Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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