You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We are two peas in an std pod
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
