Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
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Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
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What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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