Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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