I'm lost and stupid without you.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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