Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hippo gnu deer
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Your penis caused this!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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