he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
