GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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