Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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