When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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