just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
