Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
