tonight lets celebrate not being married
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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