if you like me you must not know who I am
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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