I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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