Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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