My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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