if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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