I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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