Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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