Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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