He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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