Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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