Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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