the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
