Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
