You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
